But I need to know you love me
by Rae1
Summary: Daikeru/Takedai. Takeru and Daisuke are dating, but can their relationship last under pressure?
1. My brother, the judge

Author: Rae   
Title:But I need to know you love me.  
Content: Shounen-ai. Daikeru  
  
  
"Hey, Matt. What's new?" I sat down beside my brother with a smile. The musician growled   
something under his breath as he finished stringing his guitar. "What was that?" He can be one   
of the most uncommunicative people at times.  
  
"I said that I'm going to start killing people." His blue eyes were serious and angry. We were   
in his room, sitting on his bed. I was visiting, even though it was a Tuesday. I had news, and   
I wanted to share it with him.  
  
"Why?" I smiled at the dangerous glint in his eye. His temper was formidable, and I was thankful   
that I was exempt from being at the other end of it by blood. His grimace of distaste and   
outrage was funny, and I had to stop from laughing. Until he spoke.  
  
"Some fag came up to me today, asked me out, tried to kiss me, and then pretended that he was   
surprised that I freaked out and hit him. Do I look like one of those dirty little fags, TK?" I   
didn't bother forcing a smile. Matt knew me better than that.  
  
"I'm sorry that he went too far, but not all fags are 'dirty'." The look he gave me was   
surprised and skeptical. "Really. Some of the homosexuals in our school are great people. They   
lead active, normal lives, and are viewed as normal by the rest of the student body. However,   
they happen to like members of their own gender, and keep that fact hidden."  
  
My brother snorted. "If the school knew exactly what they were, they wouldn't be able to lead   
'active, normal lives'. They'd probably get the crap kicked out of them." His grin was feral.   
"I'd probably help, too."  
  
I think that that's the point when my world shattered, and my heart broke. I stood up, and   
frowned at him. "I have to go. I'm kind of disappointed, Matt, that you're being so close-minded   
about this. You always used to tell me that nobody could be wrong if they held true to their   
beliefs, and didn't try to foist those beliefs off onto other people. What ever happened to that   
phylosophy?"  
  
I waited, wanting, hoping for some sign that he was listening to me. His eyes were hard. "That   
works fine and well until some little bastard comes up to me, and tells me that I'm giving out   
gay-vibes. If it happened to you, you'd know what I meant."   
  
"See ya later, Matt." He waved at me, then went back to playing with his guitar. I left, making   
my way through the apartment with familiarity.  
  
Outside, I met up with Daisuke on the sidewalk. He grinned at me, his brown eyes excited and   
curious. I shook my head, and walked away with my shoulders slumped. He followed me, not   
speaking, for two blocks. We turned into the park, and started following one of the twisted,   
side-paths that most people stayed off of. Once we were deep amongst the trees, we stopped at   
the same time, and looked at each other.   
  
It only took a second for me to throw myself into his arms, pressing my lips against his. I was   
hurt, and I let him know that through the hand that gripped the back of his neck, and the   
desperate way I kissed him. He accepted my pain, openening his mouth to me, holding me gently,   
comfortingly.   
  
Finally, I pulled back, my breathing ragged, matching his. He grinned at me, his eyes only   
slightly concerned. This is the reason I date him. Any other day, and he's talking non-stop   
about something, trying to fill the silence with senseless chatter. Today, when I needed him, he   
was exactly what I needed. Physical assurance, and emotional support. I smiled at him. "I love   
you."   
  
Instead of waiting for him to answer, I pulled him in for another kiss. I knew what his answer   
would be. It would be the same response that had nearly made me cry in the beginning, but one   
that I was coming to accept. "I can't tell you something that I'm not sure of."  
  
He might have been unsure, but I knew exactly what I wanted. Him. And for my homophobic brother   
to accept me for what I am. My soccer stud pulled back, knowing that I had been lost somewhere   
else other than our kiss. "What's wrong?"  
  
I pulled back, wrapping my arms about my stomach, feeling ill in the spring air. "I was going   
to tell Matt." That was obvious. That had been the reason he followed me over. We had decided   
that it wasn't fair to the digi-destined to be kept in the dark about our relationship. "I can't   
tell him."  
  
His eyes widened, then darkened perceptibly. Oh, kami-san, don't let him be mad at me. I needed   
him, whether he loved me or not. He kept me sane, gave me a reason to crawl out of bed. "What   
did he say?"  
  
"I went up, and he was mad. He started gay-bashing, and talking about how he'd be in line to   
beat up the gays in our school." Being his brother might exclude me from that list, but it   
wouldn't help Daisuke much. In fact, it would probably be the last straw Matt needed to justify   
beating him up.   
  
"So? You're safe." Leave it to Dai to point out the obvious. He cupped my cheek with one hand.   
"Don't worry about me. I can take on your brother any day of the week."  
  
I didn't say anything, just raised an eyebrow. He grinned sheepishly, and I pressed my lips   
into his palm. "You mean, you can run from my brother any day of the week. If he caught wind of   
this, we'd both have our asses on the line."  
  
"Yeah, but your's is too cute for anyone to mess with." He tilted my face up to kiss it.  
  
"You're just dating me for my body, aren't you?" I smiled at him seductively, my lashes   
fluttering. He kissed me again, a little harder and more insistent that time.   
  
"Nah. I'm just after the hat." With a last peck, he pulled the item off of my head, and started   
running, leaving me to stare at his receding backside. What a view.   
  
I started chasing him.  
  



	2. To love, and to lose

I waited patiently on Wednesday, knowing that my boyfriend would soon arrive. If nothing else during the week went according to plan, we could both fall back on our special day together. Mom had cooking lessons, and I was supposed to be alone, or studying for the three hours until she got home.   
  
For all of his cocky assurance, and his plans that constantly failed, I counted myself lucky to find a guy who could be as sensitive as Dai. He's not the type to cry at movies, or ogle over a baby, or anything truly feminine like that, but he seemed to be able to read my moods, and understand me. He's exactly what I need in a partner, and I couldn't be luckier.  
  
Of course, we had our arguements. I know of few couples that don't. The only thing that really bothers me in our relationship is the fact that he can't tell me he loves me. I've accepted it up to a point, but it niggles at the back of my mind, and sends a sinking feeling to my stomach when I tell him I love him, and he doesn't respond. I've taken to covering his silence by moving on to the next topic, but I have a dream where he puts a finger over my lips to silence me, and then tells me that I'm his everything, that he can't exist in the world without me.  
  
I think even Miyako would have a problem with my sappiness. Except that she doesn't know. None of the others know about Dai and me. I don't want them to know yet, especially after talking with Matt yesterday. If I can't count on my own brother to accept me, how can I expect my friends to?  
  
I don't want to think about it, though. If he can't tell me he loves me, then I don't want the world to know what a fool I am to have fallen so hard for someone who may not return my feelings in the depth I need. And I am needy. I crave the words, but can live without them as long as he holds me. Which happens to sparingly.  
  
Between basketball practice and conditioning, and soccer practice and matches for him, we rarely spend the time together that we should. We're constantly running off in two different directions, with a smile, or look in between. Definitely not something to build a relationship on.   
  
There was a knock on the door, and I jumped up, getting to it as quickly as possible. I opened it, and he looked up at me, is eyes dark, his hair unruly. I ushered him in quickly, grinning like an idiot. Instead of going into the living room, though, he went into the kitchen, and sat down opposite of the chair that was still pulled out. My smile faded, and I could feel the sinking feeling begin to naw at the lining of my stomach, as if some great beast was giving me a final warning that it wanted out.  
  
I sat down, and reached across for his hands. He curled his tanned fingers through mine, meeting my gaze seriously. I swallowed hard, and tried to smile. "Hi. How was practice?"  
  
"Fine." He looked down at our hands, leaving me to look at the top of his head. "We need to talk."  
  
He squeezed my hand, as if trying to reassure me. I slipped them out of his grasp, and crossed them patiently on the table. "Okay. Why don't you start?" I wanted to silence him, tell him to stop, beg for him to let it go. We can go on without whatever it is. It's not important. I love you, and you care for me, and we can let it go at that.  
  
"I want to tell the others." No, no no! "It's not right to hide behind their backs like this, Takeru. It's not fair to them, and it's not fair to us. We should have faith in them, trust them to stand beside us." His eyes were pleading. I shook my head.  
  
"Not yet. Just a little more time, Dai. Please? I can't just come out to them. My brother will hate me, and he'll tell Mom, and then what? We'll both be hated, and constantly watched. It won't be a relationship, but a three-ring circus. Don't do that to us, Dai."  
  
"These people have stood by us through our worst of times. Have a little faith, Takeru. And should it all end badly, we'll still have each other."  
  
"Really? Why should I risk my family and life for a relationship with someone who can't tell me how they feel. I do I know that you won't be gone in a year, leaving me to face their disgust and disdain on my own? What guarantee do I have that you'll be around long enough to make it worthwhile?"  
  
"I can't believe you have so little faith in me! What kind of relationship is built on guilt, and fear, and distrust? We don't have a relationship if you can't get the balls to tell your brother, and our friends."  
  
He stood up, and stormed out, leaving me at the table and staring at the back of his chair. I heard the door slam shut, the wood rattling in its frame. The tears began to well up, and I sniffled, the nawing feeling turning into a knife-stab of pain in my chest. 


	3. Anger in sadness; Realization in pain

My eyes were red when I knocked on the door. Blue eyes met mine, and I pushed my brother further back into the apartment. He didn't stand a chance.  
  
"You!" I pointed an accusing finger at his chest, then pushed him onto the couch. "You are a homophibic, control freak who has always tried to make sure that the best was done for me. Thank you, but you suck. You are fired. I have...had a person to replace you, but my fear of you, of your disapproval stopped me. I fell in love, and gave it up because of you. You!"  
  
He stared at me in stunned silence, hurt and confusion warring in his eyes. "Huh?"  
  
I glared at him, fighting back the tears that I could feel in my eyes. "I had love, Yamato. I was in love, and loved, and I pushed it away because I knew that you wouldn't approve. I gave up one of the greatest things to ever happen to me, for fear of your disgust. Now, I don't care. You can hate me, you can taunt me, you can disown me, and beat my head in, but I will not be   
swayed!"  
  
He blinked at me, my words still making no sense to him. "What are you talking about? Who are you in love with?" He lifted his hands, and looked at me expectantly. I felt the anger pour out of me.  
  
"I fell in love with Daisuke." I paused. That wasn't quite true. "Actually, I've been in love with him, but I didn't to have to deal with all of the pressure. Daisuke, being the bull-headed person that he is, took matters into his own hands, and made me own up to my feelings. He's been trying to get me to tell all of you since. I didn't want to. I was afraid of the rejection, the fallout of my being gay."  
  
He bit his lip, and I knew that he was recalling our conversation from the other day. He opened his mouth, but I wasn't done yet.  
  
"Well, you know what? I don't care. I love him, and I want to be with him, and the world can be damned. I will not give him up just to make you happy. If you disapprove, you can take your comments, and shove them up your nose. I will not listen, I will not live my life by the expectations of others."  
  
"That's nice, TK. Now, would you like to sit down, and actually talk about this, or do you have someplace else to rant at?" That stopped me mid-rampage, and I sat down slowly beside him. "Do you feel better now?" I thought about that, and nodded. "I'm still a little confused."  
  
I looked at him through narrowed eyes, trying to decide if he was going to kill me in the near future, or not. "What do you want me to clarify?"  
  
He smirked at my fearful expression. The bastard. "You're in love with Daisuke?" Nod. "You two were going out?" Nod. "You broke up because he wanted to tell everyone, and you wouldn't?" Shrug. "What was the other reason?"  
  
"He wouldn't tell me he loved me." I sniffled, fighting back the tears of a remembered pain. "It's not that he doesn't love me, it's just that he can't seem to say it. He says he's 'uncertain', and he doesn't want to lead me on."  
  
My brother put an arm around my shoulder and hugged me, letting me sob into his shoulder. We sat that way on the couch for a long time, letting the silence build and surround us. I had expected a different reaction than comfort. I wasn't about to complain. I should have had more trust in   
my brother.  
  
I think, sometimes, that there isn't anything he wouldn't do for me. He's always been willing to sacrifice most anything for the annoying pest he called a little brother. So maybe I had underestimated him overcoming his phobia when it came to accepting me.  
  
The sun was setting when we moved. He stood up to turn on one of the lights, then walked to the phone. He spoke with our mother for a moment, telling her where I was, then offering to make sure that I got to school the next day. I followed him after he hung up, and he went to his room to find me an outfit for the night, and something to wear at school.  
  
He tossed the clothes at me, then sat in his desk chair and picked up his guitar. He looked at me as he plucked the strings. "If he makes you happy, then I'll deal with it. I won't go out of my way to be mean to him, but if he hurts you, I'll make his life hell."  
  
"Alright." There really wasn't much that I could say to that. He was actually being rather calm about the whole situation, and I wasn't going to push this conversation. "Thanks." I took myself off to the bathroom to change, slipping into a T-shirt and boxers. They weren't mine, but they fit well enough to be decent.  
  
He pulled out a sleeping bag for me, then got ready for bed himself. We shut out the light, and laid down. I wondered what he was thinking, hoping that he wasn't really disgusted with me, and hiding it to save me pain. I would do such a thing for him, except that I tried to love his faults the same way that I loved his virtues. If you couldn't love a whole person, what was the   
point of trying to love their pieces?  
  
I jerked up suddenly, sitting up in the darkness, my eyes wide despite the lack of illumination. "Matt, if we moved to a different place, where no one knew us, and didn't tell anyone we were brothers, and pretended that we weren't related, would you still be able to think of me the way you do now?"  
  
"Huh?" I laughed shakily, realizing that I'd woken him with the question. However, a thought was running rampant through my mind, and I wanted him to verify it for me.  
  
"If we moved to a place where noone knew we were brothers, and I told everyone that I didn't know you, would you be able to think of me as the little brother I am now?"  
  
"I'd probably kick your butt for being a rude little dude, why?" I smiled.   
  
"Nothing." Tomorrow was already looking up.  
  



	4. To know will lessen the pain, but I cann...

Thursday was a bright and sunny day. It matched my mood perfectly. I ate breakfast quickly,   
ignoring the sleepy glare that Matt kept shooting me. I grinned at him over toast and eggs. Then   
dodged the crust that was tossed at my head.   
  
We got ready for school, and Dad drove us. It was different, sitting in his car, and it reminded   
me of the old days. I don't dwell on that time too much, anymore, but some of the memories are   
nice. Kind of like putting your feet over the register in winter. It feels nice, at first, but   
then it starts to burn, and you have to move, or it hurts.  
  
School was a long, and drawn-out affair. Dai avoided me at every opportunity. Even Miya pointed   
out the fact that he was acting strangely. I, of course, didn't tell her the reason behind his   
behavior. I was saving that as a surprise for the meeting after school. The few times that he   
actually made eye contact with me, I wanted to cry again. The brown was dim, as if the light had   
been taken from them, and his face looked tired. I had slept like a baby.  
  
I could also see our reconciliation as a very possible thing. He looked as if his world was   
going to end. At that moment, I considered apologizing, and telling him what I had planned, but   
he walked away before I could say anything.  
  
Lunch was the hardest part. We both sat at the table with the gang, in our normal spots on the   
end, across from each other. Our eyes were glued to our respective trays, and the stares from   
the others was unnerving. He ate quickly, then left, not bothering to say goodbye to anyone. I   
recieved their questions with a shrug, and a downcast look. Kari finally managed to wrangle a   
promise to tell them what was wrong at the meeting. Since that fit into my plans, I agreed   
quickly.  
  
The rest of the day went quickly, since I didn't have to face Daisuke in any of my other   
classes. Afterwards, I walked to the park with Iori and Hikari. Miyako had run off to try to   
drag the story from Daisuke. I knew that he wouldn't tell, no matter how he felt about it. He   
wouldn't take the chance of hurting me.  
  
Most of the older kids were already there, as well as Ken. I waited quietly next to Matt while   
the others chattered on about general things. Tai put a hand on my shoulder at one point, and   
squeezed, and I knew that he knew. I wasn't worried about his acceptance, because he had been   
the first person to side with Kari and Sora when they started going out, amongst other things.   
  
I wondered briefly why Daisuke never brought that up in our arguements. It was a good point in   
his favor. On the other hand, Matt had been pissed then, too. That was mostly due to the fact   
that they started going out the same day that Sora broke up with him. I think it would have   
upset me, too, if I'd been dating Kari.  
  
The last two walked into view, and I could see the violet-haired girl waving her arms as she   
spoke. When they joined our group, she shot me a glare, and I looked at Dai to see if he'd given   
anything away. He met my gaze and shrugged, telling me that she knew, but it wasn't his fault.  
  
Tai stood up, getting everyone's attention. "Since we don't have school tomorrow, there's a   
sleepover at our house, for anyone that can make it. Everyone agreed on the movies, and we've   
narrowed the choices down to two." He named them off, and everyone voted. "Okay. Anybody have   
anything new to share?"  
  
Brown eyes met mine, but I stayed silent. Matt stood up, but my boyfriend didn't look at him.   
There was a plea, and a demand in his eyes, both for the same thing. It was an ultimatum. If I   
didn't tell, it was over. Our love would be for nothing, and he'd find someone else with the   
courage to be with him. "The band has a gig downtown, at one of those family restaurant-bar   
combos. We're going to be there next Friday, and the owner says that he'll reserve a table for   
any of our friends. The food isn't paid for, but the seats should be good, and the place is   
nice."  
  
He looked at me, and I smiled before returning my gaze to Daisuke. His eyes held curiosity.  
  
"I have finally managed to convince TK to go on a double-date with me this weekend." There was   
the general questions that neither of us answered. It was a well-known fact that I hadn't dated   
anyone, ever. They had assuemed that Kari and I were meant for each other, before she went out   
with the elder holder of Love.   
  
Matt waited for it to calm down before he went on. The other's waited expectantly.  
  
I could see the pain in Dai's eyes, and I wanted to go to him, and hold him. So I did. Matt went   
on, giving the details while I sat down next to my boyfriend, and put my arms around him. "Of   
course, Daisuke doesn't get a choice in where we go, since it will be mine and Tai's first date,   
also, and we're driving."   
  
Stunned silence. I leaned over to whisper in his ear. "I'm sorry. Give me another chance?" His   
arms closed about me, pulling me close, his cheek pressed to mine. There was the sound of a   
distant applause, but I wasn't paying attention to what was going on about me. "I didn't mean to   
be such a cowardly jerk. I never wanted us to fight." I pressed my lips to his cheek as I spoke,   
wanting to touch him, and know that he wasn't trying to pull away from me.  
  
His response was better than any affirmation he could have given me. "I love you."  
  
I pulled back from him suddenly, and looked at Matt. The mirroring blue eyes were a study of   
innocence, but I knew better. "When?"  
  
He had the grace to blush. "He was the one that approached me in the hall." 


End file.
